to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t yaâ€
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
