you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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