They should really pass out barf bags in church
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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