Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
