Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
