walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
