i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
