I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
