He is such a slut. More and more my type.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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