why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
