I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
