I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
