Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
