I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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