Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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