how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize