He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
