Say something about gay babies.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
