well I can't set my house on fire every night
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
