she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Randomize
