Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
