Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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