It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
