if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
