**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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