Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
