he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
whose parrot is this?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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