Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
