I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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