remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
