My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
