he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
