i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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