The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
