i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
