What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
