I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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