Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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