mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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