Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
