I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
