I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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