I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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