remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
