Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
