why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This is the high leading the old right now
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
