I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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