he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
