I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
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