Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
