I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
