I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
