he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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