In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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