Banned from zoo.
Again?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
