im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
