i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
