your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
